A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen
Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected. ---Unknown
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHTThe profoundly humorous writers are humorous because they are responsive to the hopeless, uncouth, concatenations of life.- V.S. Pritchett
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-- Woody AllenAnger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind. ----Evan Esar
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself.----MarkTwain
This pig, is pig, a pig, good pig, way pig, to pig, keep pig, an pig, idiot pig, busy pig, for pig, 20 pig, seconds pig! ... Now read without the word pig.
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. ---ELLEN DEGENERES
A rich man's joke is always funny ---- Thomas Browne, Sr.
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. ----Horace Walpole English novelist
A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. – ----Theodore Roosevelt.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.--- Woody Allen
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.---- Emo Philips
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. ---Zsa Zsa Gabor
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him. Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square. There is no Life or Death, only Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking you in the face. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eye...
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