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humorous quotes

By Unknown

  • A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen

  • Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected. ---Unknown

  • There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
    STEVEN WRIGHT

  • The profoundly humorous writers are humorous because they are responsive to the hopeless, uncouth, concatenations of life.- V.S. Pritchett

  • There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
    sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
    -- Woody Allen

  • Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind. ----Evan Esar

  • Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself.----MarkTwain

  • This pig, is pig, a pig, good pig, way pig, to pig, keep pig, an pig, idiot pig, busy pig, for pig, 20 pig, seconds pig! ... Now read without the word pig.

  • Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.

  • You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. ---ELLEN DEGENERES

  • A rich man's joke is always funny ---- Thomas Browne, Sr.

  • Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. ----Horace Walpole English novelist

  • A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. – ----Theodore Roosevelt.

  • Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.--- Woody Allen

  • I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.---- Emo Philips

  • A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. ---Zsa Zsa Gabor

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