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Chuck Norris Jokes

  • Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

  • When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

  • Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

  • Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

  • There is no Life or Death, only Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking you in the face.

  • Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

  • Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

  • The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

  • When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money.

  • When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

  • Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.

  • chuck norris can count to infinity

  • At night the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

  • jesus can walk on water, but chuck norris can swim thru land.

  • Chuck Norris affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.

  • Chuck Norris has an unbeatable poker face, concealed beneath an even more unbeatable poker beard.

  • Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

  • Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

  • Chuck Norris only gives one Xmas present. He allows you to live.

  • When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded with, "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

  • when chuck norris speaks in front of a woman she has an orgasm

  • Chuck Norris came up with the "Big Bang Theory". His round house kick is why we have the solar sytem.

  • Mr. A once claimed that he's tougher than Chuck Norris. Upon hearing about this, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him so hard he flew 19 letters back in the alphabet, becoming Mr. T. Chuck Norris does not pity the fool.

  • Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

  • Chuck Norris once punched a man back into a monkey. Therefore proving evolution at the same time.

You can also submit Chuch Norris Jokes by leaving your comment below.

Comments

  1. Chuck Norris doesnt sleep..He waits

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  2. Chuck Norris Doesnt Sleep..He Waits

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  3. Even though Chuck Norris doesnt have gills, he can still breathe underwater. s.bair

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  4. God is called God. Because Chuck Norris was already taken.

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  5. chuck norris beat the sun at a stareing contest.

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  6. God said "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said "Say Please"

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  7. u know how giraffes were invented chuck norris uppercutted a horse

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  8. chuck norris is so tuff he fucks nails for fun and makes the nails bleed

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  9. chuck norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle

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  10. chuck norris's sperm landed on an R.V and it turned into optimus prime

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  11. Chuck norris can make miniute rice in 30 seconds

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  12. When chuck noris jumps in the water, chuck noris doesn't get wet, the water gets chuck norrised!!!

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  13. Chuck Norris does not teabag he potato sacks.

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  14. the great wall of china was invented to keep chuck norris out. it failed MISERABLY

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  15. chuck Norris is so good at kicking people he kicked your face 20 years before you were born

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  16. chuk noris is a hobo

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  17. The one thing Chuck Norris can't do is wan't to bring you back alive once he kills you

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  18. Chuck Norrisaurus made the dinosaurs go extinct. ;D
    M. Eddy

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  19. Chuck Norris can run so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of his head

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  20. chuck Norris wears mittens when his hands get cold.

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  21. The Only Mistake Chuck Norris Made Is When He THought He Made 1

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  22. It took God 7 days to create the universe, little known fact the only reason He rested is He knew it would take 8 to create CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!


    as made popular by Josh Ramsey

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  23. god was called god because chuck norris was already taken.:)

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  24. why is chuck norris always on top when he is having sex?

    because chukc norris never "fucks up"

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  25. chuck norris can slam a revolving door

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  26. whrn chuck norris does a push up he dosnt push up he pushes the earth down

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  27. Chuck Norris uses the excuse "ive alrdy done all the women" so ppl thin he isnt gay when he fucks guys

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  28. Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick your face from the back of your head

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  29. At age 60 Chuck Norris decided to reverse his aging process, he round housed the planet earth and has since been losing age rather than gaining.

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  30. Patched potholes are were Chuck Norris buried his victims

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  31. Adam and Eve weren't the first people on Earth. Chuck Norris just kept a low profile.

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  32. Chuck Norris does not go hunting because hunting implies a chance failure, Chuck Norris goes killing.

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  33. Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star War Movies....As the Force.

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  34. -Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasnt built up the courage to tell him yet.
    -Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
    -Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; Thats why there are no signs of life.
    -Chuck Norris counted to Infinity....Twice.
    -Chuck Norris can count the number of corners in a circle.
    -Chuck Norris can win a game of connect 4 in only 3 moves.
    -Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake. After 3 days of pain...the rattle snake died.
    -Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies........As the Force.
    -Chuck Norris once donated blood to a man, he is now known as Superman.
    -Chuck Norris once sold eBay to eBay on eBay.
    -Chuck Norris can describe the taste of water.
    -Chuck Norris can run you over with a parked car
    -Chuck Norris is so persuasive that he convinced a mirror he wasnt there.
    -Chuck Norris doesnt make friends or emenies. Chuck Norris only makes Victims.
    -If you have 5$ and Chuck Norris has 5$...Chuck Norris has more than you.
    -Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open
    -There is no "Ctrl" button on Chuck Norris computer...Chuck Norris is always in control.
    -Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRHK. (Chuck Norris Round House Kick)
    -It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch a 60 minute show.
    -The reason new-born babies cry is because they realize they just entered the world of Chuck Norris

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  35. chuck norris figured out how to make his dick 10 feet long people figured out and asked him how he did it he said I folded it in half

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  36. chuck norris lost his virginity before his parents did

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  37. chuck norris held his mom's hand as she gave birth to him

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  38. In the after life i will beat up chuck norris cause he is not there.

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  39. BRUCE LEE IS CHUCK NORRIS

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  40. Chuck Norris once went to the Virgin islands after they were just the islands

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  41. chuck norris can graggle peanut butter

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  42. chuck norris dusnt have pubes kuz pubes cnt grow on steel

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  43. chuck norris made justin bieber with his bear. he tried to make a dog instead he made him.

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  44. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

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  45. Chuck Norris doesn't hav 2 flush the tolite b/c he scares the sh*t out of it.

    A japanese guy ate 17 hotdogs in 45 secs. Chuck Norris can eat 45 japs. in 17 secs.

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  46. Chuck norris is the only person to beat Stievie Wonder in a staring contest.

    Chuck Norris can drink bioling water and pee out 2 ice cubes

    When Chuck Norris goes into the water he doesn't get wet... the water gets Chuck Norrised

    Chuck Norris can run around the world 3 times and punch himself in the head..... He blcked it.

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  47. Chuck norisses daughter lost her virginity chuck Norris found it

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  48. chuck norris doesnt mow his lawn he stands outside and dares it to grow

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  49. Chuck Norris can kill an ant with a magnifying glass... at night!!

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  50. Chuck Norris doesn't Mo his garden he sits back and dares it to grow

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  51. when you spell chuck norris wrong on google it doesn't say did you mean chuck norris it says run while you still have the chance

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  52. tsunami occurs when chuck norris pees into the ocean

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  53. "A new study release by NASA reveals, for the first time ever, that space causes cancer. This adds to the growing list of Cancer-Causing Agents, which now totals approximately 99.99% of all known existing and non-existing substances. The only substance proven to not cause cancer is Chuck Norris."

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  54. As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

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  55. Chuck Norris can make a statue flinch

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  56. Chuck Norris once had a pet fish, they made a movie after the pet fish it was called Jaws

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  57. Bruce Lee aint defeat Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris just gave him a mercy before he'll roundhouse kick him

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  58. Chuck Norris is the only one who can punch a Cyclops between the eye.

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  59. The earthquake in haiti could have been avioded if chuck norris hadn't gone skydiving.

    Chuck Norris never dies because god fears chuck norris

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  60. YOU ALL SUCK CHUCK NORRIS'S DICK

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  61. Chuck Norris doesn't swim...water just wants to be around him

    Chuck Norris' fists makes the speed of light wish that it was faster

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  62. Superman once went up against Chuck Norris and got turned into Christopher Reeve.

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  63. Chuck Norris ejaculated into an Angel and thats how Superman was born!

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  64. Chuck Norris once counted to infinity backwards while preforming heart surgery

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  65. There used to be a street called Chuck Norris, but they had to tear it down because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

    Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

    If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

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  66. Chuck Norris once stred at the sun for hours, the sun blinked.

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  67. Chuck Norris drives a Nova turbo fest as fuck!

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  68. Chuck Norris drives a Nova Turbo at great speed and doesnt care!

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  69. Chuck Norris once pissed in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

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  70. When chuck norris does a pushup he acualy pushed the earth down

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  71. chuck norris is the only guy who made steven seagal bleed

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